by Ivan Markov
21/06/2024
One of the fundamental topics of human existence is the search for one’s own identity, its discovery, and the drive towards psychological health and maturity. “How is this possible?”, “May I speed up the process?”, “Why do I think and feel the way I do?” are among the questions that come to mind. It is precisely at this point that I must make a clear distinction: Psychological health and maturity, i.e. realising one’s identity, are not innate states of the human mind. They are the product of a long journey of personal growth. In this sense, I would add that life is, in fact, directed towards achieving maturity and consciousness and mental clarity. Furthermore, it is the attempt at being more in tune with life, being humane, and learning how to love and be loved.
In this article I will be using three terms for self-perception, which encompass the human experience throughout life: “Who am I?”, “I am”, and “Myself”.
“Who am I?” pertains to the foundation of identity which is unconscious. This is the part of the Self that is developed without the conscious efforts of the individual, passively. This takes place in the first 14 years of life.
From then on, the adolescent begins to consciously devise beliefs and concepts, based on their experience, draw conclusions from it, and establish aspirations. The adolescent begins to think in terms of “I am…”. I call this construct “reactive self” because the adolescent shapes their worldview based on the interaction with the external world, an answer to the previous stage “Who am I?”.
Adopting the sense of “Myself” is a mental structure produced by the previous two structures, yet it is also a product of the new-found self-awareness and its application. This new structure is qualitatively new and cannot be traced back to the previous stages. It cannot be made up or imitated, as in the previous stage where aspirations and goals are simply the product of desires, needs, and ego.
In “I am” knowledge, skills and qualities are acquired through experience. It is where the notion of “I am” is constructed, and the foundations of adaptability and sociability are laid down.
In “Myself” the leading processes are integration, reflection, connection, comprehension, and acceptance. In this stage, the previous two are incorporated, yet at the same time it entails destruction and decomposition of previous identifications.
In other words, up to this point thinking in terms of “Who am I?” and “I am…” has given the false sense of a naturally occurred identity. With the increased self-awareness during those years (14+), previous identifications fall apart yet are not completely disposed of, which clears space for the establishment of a refined unique identity (“Myself”). All previous beliefs, morals, virtues, qualities and skills that were answers to the question “Who am I?” are thoroughly scrutinised, then either accepted or denied. In this chaos, nothing is left unscathed. Everything is reevaluated, and at the end the horizon is cleared out.
In the aftermath, from the ashes rise new opportunities, some roots are kept, but the garden is now looked after by a gardener and no weeds will be allowed to thrive. At the “Myself” stage, the care for one’s internal world starts to take priority. At the end of it, the individual has a sense of integration, preservation, and reconstruction of the self. Therefore, "Myself" is not something received, but something carefully constructed, bringing purity and clarity to the inner world.
From now on, the question is what I will do.
The "Myself" stage has two planes: one is subjective, i.e., the understanding and awareness of "who I am" and "I am." The other is objective – the transcendence or, more precisely, the growth of subjective nature.
"Who I am" and "I am" are universal human structures of the mind, but they perceive life subjectively. Reaching the level of "Myself", a transition is made from the subjective, inward-directed Self to the objective Self, which is directed at the external world and life in general.
It seems to me that there is nothing in us, neither higher, nor more perfect, but personal development. Let's take a closer look at this development.
The first identification is that with another human being, which determines the pattern for future relationships with others. This is the first social interaction. Identification with one's own body follows, because previously the child perceives themself as one with their mother. Gradually, this identification gives way to larger interactions – with the family, with the peer group. School age is a time where socially established identities are predominant – "I am a good student". Sometime in adolescence, we observe an expansion of personal and social identifications, where existential identifications begin to emerge. However, this is beyond the scope of this article.
Before awareness of "Myself" is achieved, there will inevitably be a collapse of previous identifications, more often seen as a crisis. This collapse is not just about "dealing with a problem." It sets a new beginning which is not only a collapse of the achieved identifications, but the end of identifications: "I do not accept the identities and roles that society offers me. I'm going to invent a new one because I'm unique."
However, this is not a rejection of my previous life and self, even though it may appear so, and which sometimes can be the goal. This is the creation of a new unique self. Myself.
