by Elena Yovova
29/05/2024
The most dreadful phase of development for every parent is undoubtedly the teen age. It is feared for many reasons but the most significant one is how it makes us feel: “Am I going to fail?”; “How should I manage this situation?”; “Does he/she resent me?”. These thoughts might sound familiar to some of you as they put on display the doubt, insecurity, sadness and frustration every parent experiences during this stage. In order to go through the teen age as smoothly as possible (although smooth might not be the best choice of an adjective in this case), we must first understand what this period signifies for our child and how it affects us not only in our role of mothers and fathers but on an individual, personal level as well.
We have all witnessed the symptoms of the “teenager disease” - irritability, changes in mood, lack of interest and motivation for things that were previously worshiped and a new outlook on life where all that matters is what friends and social media dictate. It would be an understatement to call all of these “parent triggers”. No amount of patience or understanding are enough to tolerate teenager’s mood swings on a daily basis. However, what we observe is only the top layer of a rather complex psychological transformation. A transformation marked by a big loss – the one of childhood. The experience of loss is one of the most difficult emotional phenomena people go through in life. David Kessler suggests that beyond acceptance of what has been lost, finding meaning is key in the event of a loss. What is meaningful for the adolescent? First and foremost, understanding who they are - defining their own values, goals and priorities, their own identity different than the one parents set or require of them, and most importantly - belonging to a society outside of the family. Trying to figure this out while mourning a lost, carefree childhood is no easy task. So how can we as parents support our children to go through this transition while preserving our own sanity in doing so?
I am convinced that all parents are doing their best for their children. For some the best is tackling a highly demanding job and family life, for others it is battling health concerns or balancing difficulties with extended family all whilst ensuring children are taken care of. Life has its own way of throwing challenges at us at unexpected moments and it is no surprise that our teenager’s friends drama is not always actively listened to (if they are willing to share it with us in the first place). What we can do to support them is to help ourselves accept that their behaviour is not always a reflection of what we have taught them or how we have raised them to be. If anything, the teenage stage is often the opposite of that, as whatever new values they are fetching for themselves, they must be different from ours. This simply is the teenage rule. Taking their behaviour personally will only result in an emotional reaction, and in most instances lead to conflict. We must also remind ourselves that although they seem and look like grown-ups, studies have shown that the teenage brain is only 80% developed and the frontal lobe (brain region responsible for decision-making, thinking and impulse control) continues to develop beyond the age of 20. Therefore, although they might seem uninterested in what we have to say about the latest tik-tok trend, we shall continue to intellectually nurture and guide them towards what we consider as best for them.
I strongly believe and will always advocate for parents who first look inwards and work to understand and help themselves. This is the best instrument a parent might be in possession of and the ultimate parenting hack. I encourage you, next time your teenager pushes a button, to stop and reflect on what this behaviour brings out in you that is so difficult to handle? If you manage to identify your personal experience related to it, you will be better equipped to handle your own emotional responses and therefore help your teenager regulate their own.
